Soundwaves

I am falling

falling into a dimension that is known only to the Darkness

a dimension where

life is upside down, chaotic, almost indestructibly b e a utiful

a dimension where

I am the sole inhabitant.

I can hear a dripping coming from the sink

the sound imitates the vacantness that is my mind

and I take the harpoon

and begin to slay my soul

one sickly plunge at a time.

Reuse, refill, repeat

the three R's that are an addicts alphabet

if the word coward made it into a human form -

I would gladly be the star.

Because cowardice is tied into addiction

I am afraid to be anyone different.

I am afraid to let them see my soul.

And the only words I am able to whisper,

are the ones that allow me to refuel.

How does any of this make me NOT a coward?

I am destruction, I am awe inspiring wonder

I am the devil's right hand man

that took you away from your Mother.

I am sadistic, I am raw, I am higher than the law

I am purpose, I am love

I will take your pain

and erase it.

But only until you come down.

When the clouds are at my feet

I feel invincible.

But when I am back on the ground

I feel nothing but replaceable.





Hold Me Down

Underneath the Sea, between the cracks in every Ocean floor
I lie awake at night recounting the fights from every day before
My Seas of emotions, my Oceans of thoughts
these are my complexities, these are my inner robots
One minute I'm fine, next I am on the floor curled up
I don't know how to stop, but I wish I had control.

A Day in the Life..

I really wish I could explain my head. I wish that when everytime someone asks me "what's wrong?", I'd be able to give them a fucking straight answer. An answer that I know to be 100% true.
But truth is. I don't ever know how I'm truly feeling. I don't even know myself well enough to tell my emotions from a hole in the ground. If I could just snap my fingers and this all be normal,this all be okay again...oh I'd give anything. I'm sorry I hurt you so much when we were together. I'm sorry I broke your heart countless times and drove yu to hate yourself like I really hate myself. I didn't want to drag you into my oblivion. Yet it's like anyone who I've ever been with, it just all happens the same....these innocent people get dragged into my whirlwind of a life and thrown upside down tossed around in a tornado just like I do every day. I'm sick of people saying that I don't do anything....I fight for my mental health on a daily fucking basis. I wish I was lying but I'm not. Somedays I just really feel like giving up, and I have nothing to keep me from that anymore. You were that to me. You were my reason. I wonder if someday I'll have the answers I yearn for...

 



Higher Power

I wrote about you a lot in my songs
over all this time we have known eachother
you were easier to write about than any other
more than any other person that's ever entered my world
and girl, the sands are sifting, we are drifting, our rights are still so wrong
and maybe this subject is getting to be old news now
yet still I choose, to sit back and count the memories
that float through my head like Christian heresies
do you think of me? do you remember me well?
or am I just another empty shell on the beach?
ten thousand pennies I've tossed, down this wishing well
wishing you well, and you brought me to hell
I had no armour, I had no protection
you coasted by on last night's intentions
like you were a veteran, but not cold and hard
inside you were scarred, torn and broken like me
and maybe we were the only two who could see
the light within eachother, that even our mother's
became blind and numb to acknowledge
we awoken parts of each other that can almost be compared to
black and white people marrying all those years ago
I didn't know I would grow to hate myself so much
counting my tears like experience, you are full of fearlessness
you left me like a burning cigarette, deep inside the harshest wound
I won't heal soon, I can't heal soon
that's all I'm hearing in my fucking head, all I can remember is the bullshit you fed
me girl, you never should have asked me what it's like to be me
I never should have shown you, so you wouldn't have grown to hate me
I showed you the depths of my soul and you remained cold
malicious to the most trivial of actions, a tenth of a fraction
of warmth inside the glass castle walls
and we crumble like dolls, we fracture like bones
because this house never had the strength to become a home
I am alone, I won't heal soon, I can't heal soon
the record spins it's lonely track inside my skull
until I'm pacing back and forth inside these small walls
I'll never have all the answers, I will never be able to understand why
you could just pick up and leave all of me behind
tear me into shreds, light a fire with the strips
dip it in kerosene, and shove it in my ribs
I write about you a lot in my songs
just to constantly remind myself it's time to move along
did you deserve my verses? was it ever perfect?
or were we plagued by empty curses?
pain made me what I am, a warrior song pounding inside my chest
right underneath the breast, if the Creator is giving me this test
well I'm crazy and I'm lost and I'm hateful
left home without a roadmap, can't find my way back
Thought it was all good, judging by our photographs
until I tilted them in the sun to expose the cracks
Eventually, the day will be seen
where I'm free
I write about you a lot in my songs
to constantly remind myself I need to move along

Only God Knows Why

Aphrodite

I met this girl and right from the get go
she can't my world and I wanted to get to
know her, in ways that no one else took the time
and for me, I wanted her to be the one
perfect person I could write easily joyful rhymes
about, you know the one that we rap about
when we find a girl that's worth the verse
the one on the paper, and the whole UNIVERSE
she lifted a curse and told my demons to flee
she opened my heart, opened my lungs...
and now I breathe.

every Aphrodite has her flaws you know
we walk this world but perfection is fake
doesn't stop people from going so far
but some of us still know what's real
and she is,
yeah she is. she's r e a l.

she taught me to feel, she made my emotions that much more intense
make her cum more than once when we have sex,
that's a little out of context, but we're talking about love here
she ticks my buttons and makes me wanna rip out my hair
run away and get the fuck outta their
but at the exact same time, same blink of an eye
I wanna jus grab her, cuddle up, and hide
she's Aphrodite at her mightiest
thick hips and those luscious lips
we're both so lucky to have found our other halves
what are the chances, when you're so out in left field?
aint even looking yet she comes out into the abyss
and grabs your hand, leads you, and seals the deal with a kiss
this is the exact memories of all my bliss, and my rescuer
came to me, walking slowly in her high boots
tight jeans, hair exactly the way it should be for her style
she smiled and introduced herself, just a shy little angel
I was the devil and I introduced myself too,
"hey boo, my name is Shay"
"I'm Aphrodite"
can I teach you how to really play?
baby don't be so afraid to make some mistakes
let's blaze , get naked, swim in the lakes of my sheets
and i'll show you a real person who can fulfill your needs
I won't rush you, trust me
but you do look mighty fine
and a couple months later she caved
had myself a complete wine and dine
she was always on my mind, yea she won't believe those words
but I'd sit for hours and just ponder how she came into my life
hoping she'll be the one I can have with me always
and she is
she is r e a l
she is my Aphrodite, and I can have her forever
I'm her big teddy bear, and she's my little lover xoxox


---



MFIHY

 

Mother nature made some visits to me;
when I was still inside my mother's womb
I had too big of a nose and maybe she saw in my pose
that I would grow to consume so much bitter doom
She knew I would grow to be a perfect example of
anarchy, disruption, deception,
there is no room for perfection, your gift is the ability to fight fear of neglection
and this is what Father time said to me
the first time I was able to open my ears
I remember those words so clearly, even though my heart
was still no where near developed
the Creator still enveloped
me in His world, and the Rules of the Otherworld
so I would come to be
a somewhat balanced yet informed young girl
Mother nature's telltales of me are still half of who I am
the other half is Father time,
or better yet my Creator,
the thin line in between the two fighting sides
is who I am, my personality, and all that resides in my mind.

The perfect balance, of two ultimate evils
you cannot have one without the other,
no Demons without Angels,
no Angels without Reason.
I don't let myself choose sides,
I have grown acquainted to both
but every time I wish or get to have a hope

I try to focus on the good a little more
so maybe I can claim victory, but evade this painful war.




letters to a brother

I keep seeing signs that it's time to move on yo
but inside, four years don't seem enough to grieve bro
mom and g are back to living their normal lives
maybe their jus better at hiding the unanswered questions
that we will never know, or maybe they really have let go
I kno me and mom still have good cries for you sometimes
remembering the great man that left us too soon
I wonder if from Heaven, do we still see the same moon?
is Grandpa good, you catchin fish on great lakes?
do you still love DMX and Shady,
still raise the stakes and do whatever it takes to break
the chains that hold you down?
are you still down to take a ride on the wild side?
or have you calmed a bit 'cos there's better shit around in life?
I still keep the lessons you taught me, so close to my heart
jus learned to be a little more smart about it,
done my fair share of destructive shit an now I laugh about it
I got sober bro, 7 months off of the devils drug
been keepin to myself, makin sure my circle snug
I still feel alone everyday though, did I tell you I got diagnosed bro?
an illness I don't kno barely a thing about,
you can relate an I miss you so, but there's a lot I gotta figure out
I get really angry sometimes, its like I cant control it
I love a lotta things, some too fragile for me to hold em
mom tells me I really need to let go
and 99% of that involves forgiving you
for all the harmful things that outta your right mind, you did do
I still think about that shit sometimes, am I still fat?
maybe you didn't mean that, but for years I did believe that
good days are more common now, bein sober helps
but still I'm self conscious for the situations I been dealt
my hearts been broken quite a few times since you've been gone
did a lot of the breaking too, lotsa em are subjects of my rhymes
deep down I think I know i'm strong, nd eventually it'll be okay
i'm doin my best to keep steppin along, to the beat of my own song
must be walkin in the wrong shoes, its still never the way
I really want it to be
but really all I want is to be accepted for being me
why cant I have your attitude of not givin a fuck
bout ones who run they mouth? bro i'm stuck
feelin like more of a follower than a leader
the lonely stoned underachiever
who got so lost in the lies that it's almost too hard to believe her
did you ever get user dreams when ya tried to kick the powder?
I have em so vivid I feel dirty and outta my power
haven't gone back to it though, are you really proud of me?
i'm still not perfect but no one can expect me to be
did you ever feel you cant meet moms standards?
I don't kno how to please her or make her proud
dad's tryna be in my life, guess i'm jus a little timid
'cos of some situations in which he thinks i'm lyin,
and won't let up til I admit it
but you know me bro, why would I make shit up
that seriously affected me and how I was brought up?
I jus wanna be perfect for somebody,
i'm tired of feeling ugly
if you were still here, would you come and hug me?
maybe bug me a bit, tease me, show me you still care?
an maybe we could take a hike an stir the pot here?
i'm aware of my surroundings but i'm really scared
of never bein enough and always fuckin up
do you think i'm doin okay with my life, despite it all?
I've really learned my place in the rise and the fall
i'm still completely hatin myself
wishin I could be Nine Inch Nails and jus erase myself
I wonder how it feels to die
guess its all in the way you take your last ride,
did you cry? did life flash before your eyes?
was it painful? or did you slip peacefully into the abyss?
I still lose sleep over this shit
is it nice up there? do you wish you could talk to us again?
I miss my true friend, and while I got ya on the line
can you maybe give me a hint on your death's lesson?
I did a lot of scary things too an hurt a lot of people
was so messed on drugs I started thinkin mom was evil
an that our fam and my friends were out to get me
wit no one or nothing to protect me,
except more drinkin and splurging and sinkin
really inside I always feel like a scared little girl
alone in my zone and so done that I last out at the world
did you ever get that? jus the "fuck it im done" mentality?
I jus hurl hate and negativity right the fuck outta me
I remember too well that ya kno where these words are headed
and oh I almost forgot, I've had a lotta runs with the cops
I know you ain't proud of that
but I've really jus let alotta my demons explode they way outta me
in a weird way it feels good cos its less on my shoulders
but i'm still so fuckin young an I got years of pushin boulders
still ahead of me, will you be by my side helpin me ?
I wonder if there's shit I coulda changed, that woulda helped you
I do regret enabling and added fuel to an open fire
it's jus thas the life I desired, I wanted to fit in
cos I always felt not good enough anywhere
cept when I roamed with you an big timers didn't care
they was happy I was there, another soul to capture
I was free with you an we started a rapture
I got robbed a while ago man, everythin I worked hard for is gone
maybe its karma for all the harm I went an done
what a trial to face alone, now that my girl jus left me at home
I feel weak alone an sleep wit an object under my pillow
why is life so hard? I done some good, why is nothing simple?
learned the hard way I cant get by on jus my charm and dimples, no
I wanted to write you this letter, jus to let you know I still care
an not a day goes by where I don't think you're still here
wit me, shadowing me in all I do
helpin me wit some guidance that the livin jus cant do
I miss you, I love you
an im sorry you had to go real soon, but you lived a good life
lotsa pain and strife but you coped, man you're still my protector
'cos though the blood stops pumpin,
your warrior soul lives on with me, in me, forever.
hit me back sometimes, my great older brother
I think you have my address, the shit has changed a lot
but you could always find me at our favourite kickin it spot..

love forever, your baby sis
xoxo

Try Again

the sad truth

xx