letters to a brother

I keep seeing signs that it's time to move on yo
but inside, four years don't seem enough to grieve bro
mom and g are back to living their normal lives
maybe their jus better at hiding the unanswered questions
that we will never know, or maybe they really have let go
I kno me and mom still have good cries for you sometimes
remembering the great man that left us too soon
I wonder if from Heaven, do we still see the same moon?
is Grandpa good, you catchin fish on great lakes?
do you still love DMX and Shady,
still raise the stakes and do whatever it takes to break
the chains that hold you down?
are you still down to take a ride on the wild side?
or have you calmed a bit 'cos there's better shit around in life?
I still keep the lessons you taught me, so close to my heart
jus learned to be a little more smart about it,
done my fair share of destructive shit an now I laugh about it
I got sober bro, 7 months off of the devils drug
been keepin to myself, makin sure my circle snug
I still feel alone everyday though, did I tell you I got diagnosed bro?
an illness I don't kno barely a thing about,
you can relate an I miss you so, but there's a lot I gotta figure out
I get really angry sometimes, its like I cant control it
I love a lotta things, some too fragile for me to hold em
mom tells me I really need to let go
and 99% of that involves forgiving you
for all the harmful things that outta your right mind, you did do
I still think about that shit sometimes, am I still fat?
maybe you didn't mean that, but for years I did believe that
good days are more common now, bein sober helps
but still I'm self conscious for the situations I been dealt
my hearts been broken quite a few times since you've been gone
did a lot of the breaking too, lotsa em are subjects of my rhymes
deep down I think I know i'm strong, nd eventually it'll be okay
i'm doin my best to keep steppin along, to the beat of my own song
must be walkin in the wrong shoes, its still never the way
I really want it to be
but really all I want is to be accepted for being me
why cant I have your attitude of not givin a fuck
bout ones who run they mouth? bro i'm stuck
feelin like more of a follower than a leader
the lonely stoned underachiever
who got so lost in the lies that it's almost too hard to believe her
did you ever get user dreams when ya tried to kick the powder?
I have em so vivid I feel dirty and outta my power
haven't gone back to it though, are you really proud of me?
i'm still not perfect but no one can expect me to be
did you ever feel you cant meet moms standards?
I don't kno how to please her or make her proud
dad's tryna be in my life, guess i'm jus a little timid
'cos of some situations in which he thinks i'm lyin,
and won't let up til I admit it
but you know me bro, why would I make shit up
that seriously affected me and how I was brought up?
I jus wanna be perfect for somebody,
i'm tired of feeling ugly
if you were still here, would you come and hug me?
maybe bug me a bit, tease me, show me you still care?
an maybe we could take a hike an stir the pot here?
i'm aware of my surroundings but i'm really scared
of never bein enough and always fuckin up
do you think i'm doin okay with my life, despite it all?
I've really learned my place in the rise and the fall
i'm still completely hatin myself
wishin I could be Nine Inch Nails and jus erase myself
I wonder how it feels to die
guess its all in the way you take your last ride,
did you cry? did life flash before your eyes?
was it painful? or did you slip peacefully into the abyss?
I still lose sleep over this shit
is it nice up there? do you wish you could talk to us again?
I miss my true friend, and while I got ya on the line
can you maybe give me a hint on your death's lesson?
I did a lot of scary things too an hurt a lot of people
was so messed on drugs I started thinkin mom was evil
an that our fam and my friends were out to get me
wit no one or nothing to protect me,
except more drinkin and splurging and sinkin
really inside I always feel like a scared little girl
alone in my zone and so done that I last out at the world
did you ever get that? jus the "fuck it im done" mentality?
I jus hurl hate and negativity right the fuck outta me
I remember too well that ya kno where these words are headed
and oh I almost forgot, I've had a lotta runs with the cops
I know you ain't proud of that
but I've really jus let alotta my demons explode they way outta me
in a weird way it feels good cos its less on my shoulders
but i'm still so fuckin young an I got years of pushin boulders
still ahead of me, will you be by my side helpin me ?
I wonder if there's shit I coulda changed, that woulda helped you
I do regret enabling and added fuel to an open fire
it's jus thas the life I desired, I wanted to fit in
cos I always felt not good enough anywhere
cept when I roamed with you an big timers didn't care
they was happy I was there, another soul to capture
I was free with you an we started a rapture
I got robbed a while ago man, everythin I worked hard for is gone
maybe its karma for all the harm I went an done
what a trial to face alone, now that my girl jus left me at home
I feel weak alone an sleep wit an object under my pillow
why is life so hard? I done some good, why is nothing simple?
learned the hard way I cant get by on jus my charm and dimples, no
I wanted to write you this letter, jus to let you know I still care
an not a day goes by where I don't think you're still here
wit me, shadowing me in all I do
helpin me wit some guidance that the livin jus cant do
I miss you, I love you
an im sorry you had to go real soon, but you lived a good life
lotsa pain and strife but you coped, man you're still my protector
'cos though the blood stops pumpin,
your warrior soul lives on with me, in me, forever.
hit me back sometimes, my great older brother
I think you have my address, the shit has changed a lot
but you could always find me at our favourite kickin it spot..

love forever, your baby sis
xoxo