Origins

I have no more self pity left in my heart, for me to blame people when they say
they don't believe I'm sober, even though I'm trying to prove it every day
After a certain amount of chances, whether out of pity or genuine care
the trust is too broken, too many minds left hoping
that maybe someday you'll be back to the person you were before
I have no solid reasons for becoming who I became, unfortunately for me
stuck with a guilty conscience or not, there's things I couldn't bear to believe
so I stopped being outspoken, and became so withdrawn from these faces
trippin' and chokin', trying to sum up more lies to soar to new places
I don't hate my old friends, my old acquaintances, for helping me to destroy myself
I only regret all the chances I had but still never asked for help
The past clings to me, my heart and my mind both want different things
it's like I'm stuck, thinking I can get all those memories back to real life
my wandering spirit, my night walking subconscious, they taught a blackbird to sing
& it's funny 'cause the deepest parts of me are where these things like to stay
Trying to kick the drugs, it's so painful, it's like freely walking through hell
but you know this is the only choice beside actually leaving our realm, becoming an empty shell
Is it worth it? Are my circuits finally ready to be properly wired?
Am I ready to actually strive for all I've ever desired?
I can't, I can't, I cannot keep going back to the same old routines
they pierce me to the core and I'm tired of doing things I don't mean
I want my top ten, these important people, to be proud of what I'm doing and who I am
I won't let myself go back to those dark places again
I used to want to save lives, travel the world, make money off just my smile
being a kid is so easy, you're so carefree, growing up hits like a semi truck
introduced to everything you feared when you were young, but I liked to test my luck
got caught up and tangled, a fish in the bowl about to flip onto my back
See, the past man....this shit still claims me
These words I write are my only way of releasing the pain
I'll prove to myself I deserve to be loved, I deserve to live to be a hundred
just give me the boost Creator and I will do this