Progress Report

My whole life it seemed that people have had the habit of saying
that all the bad shit in my life can be fixed just by praying.
Do I consider that amazing, do I consider that lazy?
Would prayer take away all the pain that continues to faze me?
my mom tells me it’s all about being connected with what’s inside
what if I’m afraid of what’s inside? What if I’m afraid of the secrets I hide?
and you see, that is just a little bit too hard to grasp for me
although I have a heart full of faith, I always find it difficult to believe
I find it so hard to keep peace of mind with things I cannot see
there are so many good times I wish I could relive, there are those times I wish I could forget
but I am trying to train myself to focus solely on this one moment, and hold it
I don’t blame anyone at all for the way my life has went, or the time I spent
“chasing the dream” – but I do blame myself for all the promises I never kept
I do blame myself for every unanswered question; for every tear they wept
tried not to break my mother’s heart, but I did every time, in every lie
“ I promise you, I am not getting high”, always hanging up without saying goodbye
and I knew she’d cry, and it made me feel sickly good, ‘cause I didn’t give a fuck about things I shoulda
never gave a fuck even when I promised that I woulda
somewhere in between self-destruction and resentment I lost the ability of self-control
and with each and every wasted moment I was no longer myself; no longer whole
growing up I could sense I was a different kind of breed, new DNA in this sprouted seed
yeah I had the ability to succeed, but I’d rather get high than give my brain what it needs to feed
yeah true story, this is how every addict’s story always goes yo,
my body temperature is up high enough to melt Arctic snow, yo
stuck between here and there, which way do I go? How do I prove I already know all I need to know?
“oh baby girl, you’re a kid, you still don’t know shit” – yeah, I guess you’re right
ignoring my phone every time it rang, straight to voicemail – can’t stand the fights
my life is a maze, and the marijuana haze kept strict control of the fear
but everything got out of control so quickly within just a few years
she smiles at me like I’m supposed to know her, but when I pass by I don’t even walk any slower
you should know by now, I don’t even know myself, how could I know you any better?
walking down the path of life looking for some light and a shelter
and a matter of fact is, I’m really not as cold as ice – scared every time someone turns out the light
the tears on my pillow hold the truth of my fear every night
you see me, I smile, and I’m happy for a while
but when I’m alone, I’m scared and lonely like a lost little child
I have dreams but I don’t know how to make them come true
maybe I do, but I’m just scared that I won’t succeed, but my passions aren’t few
I have people that believe in me, but they all tell me “just believe in you”
if only it was that easy, I’d flip my life like a dime, heads or tails
heads is forever young, tails is everything fails
I think I’m running out of poetic words to say, so this is it
still no amount of carefully put together words can hide the fact I’m full of shit,
but it’s like I just can’t quit, this is my life – wrong or right, it helps me sleep at night
it helps to calm the storm inside my soul, it helps to ease the fight.