Family Ties

"I need my mother", what a codependent thing for me to say
people are looking at me like, "you're 21 Shay?"
"grow up, you still a kid, living off your mama", an shit
"why you keep givin up so easily, are ya another born to quit?"
they really don't know how deep the roots go though
or the experiences I've had, things I've seen, or how I learned to grow
so here I am, sitting in my grandmother's little house
'cos I'm too broke to function, still having doubts
overcoming an addiction, finding who I am behind old afflictions
so yeah I'll be whipping up meals in my mom's kitchen
but it's always been clear, remember what shines ain't always gold
there's a lot of hidden skeletons in my circle that remain uncovered
a lot of secrets that remain untold, and probably won't be discovered
and I'm coasting by, we'll call it auto pilot; kush & last week's leftovers
'cos it's not all cozy and kosher and fine behind these thin walls
ghosts walk and haunt and anger drops and we all fall
further into dark places we never thought we would see
but secretly, these are the people we've helped eachother to be
enabling, excusing, same cycles all the time
yet it's so easy to laugh it off like it's all fine, been doing it for years man
holding resentment has made it nothing but broken pieces for the present
I'm hanging in midair, chest full of despair, holding on by thin hairs
another strand drops for all the stress in this lair
She puts the pressure on me, it's something I've never been able to stand
I feel like I have to constantly fulfill vicarious demands
she is the user, she is the abuser - I am the loser
but she holds invisible keys to my future
so you see, I cannot lose her
She tells me she's done with me
all the time, like all of me, rhymes, attitude, dreams
dreams and fits, screams 'cos I don't know who to be
I'm criticized when I start to enjoy jus being me
black and blue, although there are no bruises on the outside here
just internal scars from broken hearts; years and years and years
I wish they would accept me as is
instead of silently proclaiming my fate to be the same as His
I hate this shit, I can't stand this shit
falling asleep, and waking up, each time saying fuck it
love, I don't think I feel it, though I have a strong spirit
but it is smothered under my mother's over abundance
intentions of help but it comes out as hurtfulness
no, I will never know how she actually feels inside
nor will she know the amount of tears my worn eyes cry
and I do know that her pain is no greater than mine,
although it was her son who died, it took a part of me inside, too
so don't walk around like the only victim so they all say they sorry
never ending dramas tied to never ending falls from glory
fabricated excuses, 'cos you think you gotta prove you're a good woman
and that deep down, he really is a great man, too
our weathered Castle is not what it used to be
you just don't seem to understand
you tell me to grow up, shut up, start acting like an adult
stop complaining and control it when I'm mad so,
I can be a constitutionally productive member of society
and blend into the crowd of narcissistic wannabes
my Future is gonna be golden, M, I've promised myself that always
so don't provoke these fights on my obvious bad days
'cos I end up feeling emptier than I did before the words were spewed
and you leave feeling worse than you usually do, too
my plans are not vindictive, or vicious to any other person
I do not want to be another human to make this planet worsen
yet YOU tell me what's bad for me, what's good for me
and point out every mistake in between
so I'm cursing my dreams, and I doubt I'll succeed
out in the public eye we's perfect, we act it out so good
'cos the head of the family tree, doesn't want 'em to see
the true reality, and all the things you deny us to be
I will ignite this family tree
and find my own path to my destiny.