BPD

A beautiful, mostly healthy baby, was born into this world
proud mommy and daddy smiled as they held this little girl
promising her it all, but she was the last piece in an already broken universe
just like growing up, i had learned too quick that almost everything hurts
they told me i was special, but the words lacked proven actions
except for the times when my Knight would get a little too close
and I'd be confused, not knowing what should be my chosen reaction
because with only three other members in our glass castle, it was him I'd miss the most
when he left, all I remember is feeling like i'd become completely abandoned
though i was so young, i spent years thinking i was why it happened
and from there on out, my self esteem diminished in each tear and shout
I craved the attention from my mom, so bad that I would stunt out
since my brother was always the center of gravity around our house
I remember missing him when he was gone all those years, but happy at the same cruel time
because before she remarried, that meant her affection would be all mine
a decade of destruction, and 21 years of trying to accept the pain
a whole lot of hours and days spent under foreign reign
when I began to grow into my features, developing the traits for a lot of shady men to desire
I'd leap into action, why would't I? for awhile i would feel so beautiful
and i'd always have ways to constantly be high
i'd light up when it wasn't just recreation, but offers to fully hire
i did shameful things because maybe i think that's all i'm worth
you also do what you have to do to get by
a day or two, maybe a few, would pass and I knew i'd never hear those words again
at least never from the same one man, i became conditioned to one nights stands
and i won't pretend i didn't like it, because that would be a lie
but at the same damn time, being left makes me cry
"Learning to love myself"

four words, simple? no, more like an intricate concept
i can't even think of where to begin, or how to take the first huge step
I can't love someone I do not truly know
and how can I nourish a flower to life when the ground is so cold?
these problems go deep to my core and i'm scared to open up so much
i can idolize another person though, think they're my savior, must be true love
until the complicated parts of me show, like a relationship isn't hard enough...
i can't control my anger, i admit at times i fly off the handle
my ups and downs, compulsion, i'm just really a handful
they start to become distant, and it just makes me want to get closer
pushing away, pulling myself right back up, it breaks me when it's over
because i know fucked it up, so the hatred swims in my veins again
but if i find a new love it's time to move on..
I wish I knew, the depth of the illness itself
maybe I could understand a little more, and clear some space off the shelf
for all the new things i'm going to have to learn to do
like loving myself, before i could ever truly love you..

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