It’s a scary thing, selling all the furniture in your house, packing up old things and sentimental objects for storage, and just packing one tote – full of books and things you might need, and one duffel bag – and moving 3500 miles away from home. Leaving behind everyone you thought you knew, leaving behind all the bad, all the good, leaving behind family, leaving behind what you thought was your life… and going on a journey, so far away from “home” – that you were terrified the minute the trip was finalized, terrified of the unknown, and terrified of what is to come…
But ultimately, this was my journey home.
I am not going to lie, I am a hurt person. I have been through tough struggles, an addiction that consumed me and tore me apart, as well as important relationships in my life – I am vulnerable in the aspect that my intentions are innocent, I do not mean any harm, sometimes it just happens. And before I came here, I did not want to deal with my issues. I did not want to change. I was content, and miserable, all at the same time, living the life I was. It’s sad, really. Something in me though, something in my soul, was telling me to give up the bullshit and take this chance – take this opportunity, seize it, and just GO. I went with my intuition, and here I am. Here I finally am.
I have been here for two months, in Cambridge Bay. And I am going to tell you right now, that this is my home. This is my place of healing. I feel so connected, so loved, so needed and wanted and…pure. I feel weightless when I ski doo out on the bay, I feel empowered connecting with spiritually powerful elders and hearing their stories, I feel good when I get told that people who barely know me, are proud of me for what I am doing with my life. Sharing my own experiences with people has helped me to heal, not only on the surface – but heal my soul; refill my cup - with memories of Arctic breezes, cultural events, the sun so bright and vivid as if we can drive into it , time to reflect on myself and what is ultimately important to me, recapture the love I know I have in me, but was always afraid to show, and writing.. I gave up on writing when I was depressed and into drugs, and now I dedicate an hour a day to spilling my heart out onto paper again.
Working with damaged children is a blessing – not a curse – I am learning unbelievable amounts of patience. Having them rely on me feels good, and overwhelming all at the same time… since I am just so young myself, the responsibility is good, but as caring as I am, their stories weigh heavy on my heart.
I am gaining understanding of a place that is beautiful – but twisted at the same time. The things that go on in this community are so sad, so sad – and I wish I could fix all of it , I wish I could take away the alcohol and help all the children who have no one and I wish I could erase every painful memory, every mistake made. Just like I wish I could for my own past. But you cannot do such a thing, it is what it is, and you can only do what is within your power… and for me, making a difference in these children’s lives – as small of an impact as that may seem to be – is helping me to help myself…
I feel amazing here. I feel spiritually empowered, I feel intense amounts of wisdom and hope in my words – I feel like I can do anything. I’m on top of the world.. there are days that aren’t good for everybody, as humans, we have good within us, and bad within us, but for me, I have finally chosen to make a perfect balance of the two.. a balance of peace and serenity inside of myself. A balance that will allow me to make healthy choices, and teach others to make healthy choices. I am no longer wasting my energy, my money, my precious time.. on people and things that were never good for me.
I believe that we can do anything we want to do. This journey for me, has changed my life forever. The impact the Arctic has had on my mind, my body, my spirit – is intense. I am forever grateful to be here, to have this time of healing – to have this time to get to know myself again.
This, is my home. This is where I need to be right now. And I am not going to change that for anyone, or anything. xo
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